Posts tagged with gluconurolactone
This will rape your mother, kill your father and then eat you.
The Relentless Energy Shot. In its surprisingly utilitarian ‘cheap plastic bottle with a label glued on’ packaging, you could be forgiven for thinking that the purchase of one of these things might be an ego-boosting stroke of forward planning. “Aha!”, you think to yourself, as I did. “I’ll buy a few of these, carry them around in my bag and when I’m knackered I’ll knock one back, wake up a bit and everything will be fine.”
Well, you’re half right. Two things went through my mind when I opened this bottle and poured it into my mouth. The first was, “Sod the Quick Energy Shot, this is what pure industrialism would taste like”, and the second was “OH GOD I CAN STILL TASTE IT SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME OH GOD.”
Yes, I’m afraid so. It tastes horrendous. Fortunately, we’re only talking about – in the marketing blurb’s own words – a ’shot’. 50ml, to be precise. And I’ll give it its dues, after you’ve swallowed it down, wondered how something can taste this metallic and artificial and still not be corrosive, and rinsed out your mouth with something, anything that tastes less disgusting, you will experience what I can only describe as an ethereal roundhouse kick delivered right to the very centre of your consciousness.
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Quick? Yes. Healthy? Probably not. Energy? Hold on to your underwear.
I found this garish monstrosity on an adventure to find beer a few weeks ago. After being promised ‘Quick. HEALTHY. ENERGY.’, I couldn’t resist inviting it back to my flat with the intention of letting it slide itself inside me.
See, now I feel dirty. Anyway.
One thing that I’ve learned from my experience with energy shots is that they taste really quite bad. This is to be expected – generally, psychoactive chemicals don’t taste very good at all, so a strong flavouring gets added – but this stuff took me by surprise. It’s very similar to drinking neat orange squash – very sickly, quite persistent but not entirely unpleasant, and for an energy shot that’s pretty high praise.
One thing that I’ve decided to do with these energy shots is to actually take a look at the liquids themselves. This is no exception, so I poured it out into a shot glass emblazoned with the Jack Daniels logo – in the hopes that Almighty Jack, our Lord and Saviour of shitty clubnights, might look down from on high and bless this endeavour. And by ‘bless this endeavour’, I do of course mean ‘stop me from getting a massive fucking heart attack’.
Fortunately, I’m still writing, so I must have done something right.
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