Posts tagged with caffeine

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August 18, 2010

iShot All Day Energy
POWER VIMTO.

Disclosure: the nice people at iShot sent me a few review samples of their new products. No money changed hands, and no consideration was asked for, offered or given in regard to anything regarding this review or the site – all content remains completely independent.
iShot

Doesn't come with an App Store. Does come with a great buzz.

I write this blog because I like doing it. Sure, there’s some advertising on the side, but I try to keep it as targeted (hence going through Google AdWords) and unintrusive as possible. So it makes me excessively happy when someone asks me to review their stuff, and even happier when they send me some of it to review without me having to actually get up and leave my chair. iShot, you have done well.

iShot have two products fresh to the market. The first one, which I’m dealing with here, is the more traditional caffeinated energy shot. The second is to be reviewed in a following post, but it’s basically the same thing with more ginseng and no caffeine.

So enough talk, let’s get down to it.

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July 18, 2010

Quickie:
Emerge Energy Drink

Bought from the pound shop. Tastes like Windex. Weaker than Red Bull. Avoid.

That was nice and concise.

They put about as much effort into the drink itself as they did the design of the can itself.

They put about as much effort into the drink inside as they did the design of the can itself.

Weaker than Red Bull. Tastes like Windex. Why bother?

Weaker than Red Bull. Tastes like Windex. Why bother?
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January 28, 2010

Red Bull Energy Shot

This is a guest review from Matt Carroll (aka Oholiab, Oholeibummed and OI, FUCKO). He is a shaven-headed misanthropist from the barren post-apocalyptic wastelands of Gloucestershire. He would eat you and your family without blinking.

Why would you drink an energy shot, really? They taste like ass, they’re goopy and they come with something of a promise to make you feel uncomfortable.

Never say we don’t research anything for you.  Here are the reasons:
  1. Neat little bottles – You know you want to put a whole load of them on like, a bullet belt. No? Well I do, so get bent.
  2. It is cold outside – You don’t want your hands to get cold carrying a refrigerated can that will take time to drink, as you have to wear fingerless gloves in these winter months so you can still use your capacitive touchscreen devices. You young’uns and your newfangled technology.
  3. You are actually too goddamn lazy to drink a full can of Red Bull.
So taking these reasons into account (all of which are precisely why I picked it up – I can feel you judging me, and I care not), I would say that the Red Bull shot not only gives you wings, but nuclear-powered robot ULTRA LEGS. It’s better, in fact, than the Relentless shot. Which is just as well as it costs more.
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November 13, 2009

Lucozade! Alert! Plus!

Lucozade Alert Plus

I can see the naming meeting now. 'MORE WORDS. MORE TWITCHY LINES. MORE ACTION, DAMN YOUR EYES.'

It seems that the energy shot market is booming.  Something that was fairly unknown in this country just a few months ago has blossomed into something you see in cardboard display boxes in dodgy newsagents nationwide.  Naturally, this is music to my ears, and when my flatmate found the latest in an established brand producing an energy shot he brought one home for me to shove down me and process for Science.

You can tell that this comes from an established brand simply by looking at the label design.  Namely, it doesn’t look like it contains excess coolant from a Chinese sprocket factory – some actual effort and money has gone into its design.  The name, however, is nothing less than hilarious.  I get that they wanted to put across that drinking it would result in waking up, but seriously – ‘Alert Plus’?  They might as well have called it ‘Rocket Nitro Supermax 5000′.

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October 19, 2009

Jolt Chewing Gum

Jolt Gum: Minty Arse Flavour with FREE neon mange.

Jolt Gum: Minty-Arse Flavour with FREE neon mange.

So, Jolt chewing gum, eh? It’s the sort of thing you see in a shop – not many of them, mind – and think, “ooh, that looks like a terrible idea that I’m totally on board with. I bet it will send me a bit mental and taste like arse.”

It’s nice to be right every now and again. Jolt chewing gum comes in two different flavours: Minty-Arse Flavour and Slightly Different Minty-Arse Flavour. It’s not wholly disgusting; you can see where they were going, but you’ll certainly have your suspicions that the arse-flavoured bit is due to the massive concentration of caffeine involved.

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October 2, 2009

Hot Lava Java

Coffee strength is generally rated 1-5. The packaging rates this, Spinal Tap style, a 6. They are not lying.

Coffee strength is generally rated 1-5. The packaging rates this, Spinal Tap style, at 6. They are not lying.

I’ve been feeling thoroughly shitty today after coming down with some bug or another, and after having slept pretty much all day (and feeling a bit better) I decided to have a wander to the shops to pick up some pasta and sauce for dinner.

While I was at the ever-exclusive Holloway Road Morrisons, I noticed this monolith of hypertension hiding in the coffee aisle.  They seem quite convinced of its effects, and it would be remiss of me not to take them up on their challenge.

Well, it’s definitely a bitter blend.  After brewing in the cafetiere for five minutes (the espresso machine confuses and infuriates us) and shovelling an entire small country’s worth of sugar in, I proceeded to do the only rational thing and necked a large mug of it.

OH GOD NOT ENOUGH SUGAR

OH GOD NOT ENOUGH SUGAR

You will observe, to the left, my face.

Seriously, if the spoon isn’t standing up in a mug of this, well, caffeine soup, then you need to stick more sugar in.

After getting over the sheer world-ending bitterness, I sat back and waited for the inevitable caffeine-based punch in the face.  And in this, it did not disappoint.  As is normal for coffee, it’s quite a slow buildup, but in this case the buildup just doesn’t seem to stop.  It’s a miracle that I can type, really.  On the upside, I feel a lot better.

So, to sum up, what we have here is both a cure for manflu and a great big arrhythmia party, to which your heart is the guest of honour.

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September 28, 2009

Rockstar Juiced

'Subtle' doesn't even begin to describe the packaging. 'Eyeball-rupturingly garish', however, is right on the money.

'Subtle' doesn't even begin to describe the packaging. 'Eyeball-rupturingly garish', however, is right on the money.

A while ago, while working for my previous employer, a man called Alex tried to persuade me not to buy a can of Rockstar and warned me that it tasted deeply vile.  Naturally, this very act caused me to hand over my money and promptly pour the entire can down my throat, resulting in my making a face the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the last time Sid James got his rocks off and then vowing never to drink it ever again.

So today, while wandering around Tesco, I noticed that the makers of Rockstar have realised that their product tastes rather similar to carbonated tramp piss – and, to try to mitigate this minor issue, they’ve stuck a bunch of orange juice in there to mask the horror.

Well, the good news is that it works.  Rockstar Juiced is probably one of the best-tasting canned energy drinks that I’ve ever had – it’s pretty much exactly the same as drinking half a litre of Fanta with light tropical overtones – apple, mango and passion fruit, to be specific.  They’re natural flavours, too, which is helpful.

There’s no disappointment to the caffeine content, either, with the same concentration as Red Bull but in a larger volume can.

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September 20, 2009

Tiger Energy Drink

GUYS GUYS GUESS WHAT WHEN YOU PRESS THIS BUTTON IT MAKES A DROP SHADOW

GUYS GUYS GUESS WHAT WHEN YOU PRESS THIS BUTTON IT MAKES A DROP SHADOW

So this afternoon, I went to Tesco to grab some lunch (I may work in Shoreditch, but I’m damned if I’ve gone searching for actual interesting places to eat there yet).  Next to the Kx (rebranded from Kick) own-brand drink was this wonderful, questionably branded energy drink. Its ingredients, in English and Polish, set with glorious blocky Verdana, drew me in.  And just to make sure that I was convinced, it was endorsed by a man called Darek “Tiger” Michalczewski who appeared to be wearing a white shirt, jacket and pointing his finger in a threatening manner.  This, surely, was a promise of preposterous amounts of testostorone.

Preposterone.

What I discovered upon opening this aluminium prison of pure, liquid manliness, was a pale yellow fluid that I presume is the tears of Darek’s enemies with a little vanilla added to taste. Which is quite strong, actually, to the degree that with every sip you start to realise that with any other energy drink, a taste this strong would mean the impending arrival of a world-shattering aftertaste.

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Relentless Energy Shot

This will rape your mother, kill your father and then eat you.

This will rape your mother, kill your father and then eat you.

The Relentless Energy Shot.  In its surprisingly utilitarian ‘cheap plastic bottle with a label glued on’ packaging, you could be forgiven for thinking that the purchase of one of these things might be an ego-boosting stroke of forward planning.  “Aha!”, you think to yourself, as I did. “I’ll buy a few of these, carry them around in my bag and when I’m knackered I’ll knock one back, wake up a bit and everything will be fine.”

Well, you’re half right. Two things went through my mind when I opened this bottle and poured it into my mouth.  The first was, “Sod the Quick Energy Shot, this is what pure industrialism would taste like”, and the second was “OH GOD I CAN STILL TASTE IT SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME OH GOD.”

Yes, I’m afraid so.  It tastes horrendous.  Fortunately, we’re only talking about – in the marketing blurb’s own words – a ’shot’.  50ml, to be precise.  And I’ll give it its dues, after you’ve swallowed it down, wondered how something can taste this metallic and artificial and still not be corrosive, and rinsed out your mouth with something, anything that tastes less disgusting, you will experience what I can only describe as an ethereal roundhouse kick delivered right to the very centre of your consciousness.

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Quick Energy Shot

Quick Energy Shot bottle

Quick? Yes. Healthy? Probably not. Energy? Hold on to your underwear.

I found this garish monstrosity on an adventure to find beer a few weeks ago. After being promised ‘Quick. HEALTHY. ENERGY.’, I couldn’t resist inviting it back to my flat with the intention of letting it slide itself inside me.

See, now I feel dirty.  Anyway.

One thing that I’ve learned from my experience with energy shots is that they taste really quite bad.  This is to be expected – generally, psychoactive chemicals don’t taste very good at all, so a strong flavouring gets added – but this stuff took me by surprise.  It’s very similar to drinking neat orange squash – very sickly, quite persistent but not entirely unpleasant, and for an energy shot that’s pretty high praise.

One thing that I’ve decided to do with these energy shots is to actually take a look at the liquids themselves.  This is no exception, so I poured it out into a shot glass emblazoned with the Jack Daniels logo – in the hopes that Almighty Jack, our Lord and Saviour of shitty clubnights, might look down from on high and bless this endeavour.  And by ‘bless this endeavour’, I do of course mean ‘stop me from getting a massive fucking heart attack’.

Fortunately, I’m still writing, so I must have done something right.

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