Rejected by Crimewatch. Well known to methadone clinics.

Matt Carroll has joined us to provide a yet higher density of caffeinated delight.  He hails from Cheltenham, where his hobbies include shouting at lampposts, eating kebabs and drawing Spider Jerusalem glasses on his face with highlighter pens.

He owns a crossbow and his girlfriend will still not let him use it for pest control purposes.

Despite what the picture shows, he is not in fact twelve years old.

He’s our kind of guy.

This photograph has not been modified in any way.

We have a new contributing author!

Marshall Staxx (if that is his REAL name) is a slightly manic, UFC-watching bum of the finest kind, and will be publishing reviews of his own from this week onward.

He is completely lacking in self-preservation instinct generous enough to have offered to review the stronger stimulants out there.  The kind that are legal, but only because THE MAN hasn’t got round to banning them yet.

Watch this space!

My fridge is organised. See? Also, it could really do with a clean.

I’ve been out and about, gathering the finest (and sketchiest) caffeine products that the many local dodgy corner shops have to offer.

So here it is, ladies and gentlemen – here’s what you have to look forward to over the next few days.

I’m particularly excited about the Best-In brand Stimulation Drink.  At only 35p, you can be sure it contains only the cheapest and dirtiest ingredients.

Brilliant.