Jolt Gum: Minty-Arse Flavour with FREE neon mange.

So, Jolt chewing gum, eh? It’s the sort of thing you see in a shop – not many of them, mind – and think, “ooh, that looks like a terrible idea that I’m totally on board with. I bet it will send me a bit mental and taste like arse.”

It’s nice to be right every now and again. Jolt chewing gum comes in two different flavours: Minty-Arse Flavour and Slightly Different Minty-Arse Flavour. It’s not wholly disgusting; you can see where they were going, but you’ll certainly have your suspicions that the arse-flavoured bit is due to the massive concentration of caffeine involved.

Fortunately, the quick uptake comes with a fairly rapid release from the expectation of stimulant-related death, and you’ll have made the transition from trying to lock your front door with your eyes still stuck together to reading Dostoyevsky on the bus to work (hell, The Plebs™ don’t know you’ve been trying to get through it for about six months already) with minimal falling asleep and/or getting run over on the way.

I love the stuff.  That said, I’m avoiding it at the moment because I’m starting to suspect that it may have taken my sleep patterns and done wholly inappropriate things to them involving medical implements and poultry.