Jolt Gum: Minty-Arse Flavour with FREE neon mange.
So, Jolt chewing gum, eh? It’s the sort of thing you see in a shop – not many of them, mind – and think, “ooh, that looks like a terrible idea that I’m totally on board with. I bet it will send me a bit mental and taste like arse.”
It’s nice to be right every now and again. Jolt chewing gum comes in two different flavours: Minty-Arse Flavour and Slightly Different Minty-Arse Flavour. It’s not wholly disgusting; you can see where they were going, but you’ll certainly have your suspicions that the arse-flavoured bit is due to the massive concentration of caffeine involved.
That’s right, folks. Every two pieces of Jolt chewing gum has the same amount of caffeine as one energy drink. So, for the love of Jeebus, don’t eat more than two at a time. Being a total pussy and having one at a time is entirely acceptable, because you can see just how immediately it hits you and whether you need more. You don’t. Not for at least another half hour.
On the consumption of a ‘portion’ (that is, two pieces), after a few seconds of laboured chewing and contemplation of its toothpaste-come-rectum bouquet, you will be hit with a punch of caffeination that promises either heart palpitations or blindness.
Fortunately, the quick uptake comes with a fairly rapid release from the expectation of stimulant-related death, and you’ll have made the transition from trying to lock your front door with your eyes still stuck together to reading Dostoyevsky on the bus to work (hell, The Plebs™ don’t know you’ve been trying to get through it for about six months already) with minimal falling asleep and/or getting run over on the way.
I love the stuff. That said, I’m avoiding it at the moment because I’m starting to suspect that it may have taken my sleep patterns and done wholly inappropriate things to them involving medical implements and poultry.
Oh my god. I can see myself actually consuming that for fun. I can see myself actually consuming that and then thinking that Freemasons are following me for MONTHS.
Note to any Freemasons reading: I love you all a big huggy bunch and not even a little bit scared of you, nor do I think you’re watching my house and the frosted glass I’ve just installed was nothing to do with you, but I’ve left some biscuits on my doorstep as a peace offering oh god why did I think coffee for lunch was a good idea
I’m just going to sit here and continue to read until one of these excessively caffeinated products gives one of you guinea pigs the violent trots. It will be a glorious day.