GUYS GUYS GUESS WHAT WHEN YOU PRESS THIS BUTTON IT MAKES A DROP SHADOW

So this afternoon, I went to Tesco to grab some lunch (I may work in Shoreditch, but I’m damned if I’ve gone searching for actual interesting places to eat there yet).  Next to the Kx (rebranded from Kick) own-brand drink was this wonderful, questionably branded energy drink. Its ingredients, in English and Polish, set with glorious blocky Verdana, drew me in.  And just to make sure that I was convinced, it was endorsed by a man called Darek “Tiger” Michalczewski who appeared to be wearing a white shirt, jacket and pointing his finger in a threatening manner.  This, surely, was a promise of preposterous amounts of testostorone.

Preposterone.

What I discovered upon opening this aluminium prison of pure, liquid manliness, was a pale yellow fluid that I presume is the tears of Darek’s enemies with a little vanilla added to taste. Which is quite strong, actually, to the degree that with every sip you start to realise that with any other energy drink, a taste this strong would mean the impending arrival of a world-shattering aftertaste.

However, Darek appears to have used his powers for good in this case.  Just as you think the wave of horror is about to break, it…goes away.  A slight sweet taste remains, but that’s about it.  It’s actually quite pleasant.

Darek'll fix it for you.

As for energy, this is definitely hitting me harder than Red Bull does.  A cheekily fast uplift, followed by a fairly extended plateau.  There a little twitchiness here, but nothing unmanageable.

Nothing about this drink is right.  The branding, the packaging, Darek’s sternly masculine form, the colour of the liquid that you’re putting in you or the smell of it when you pop the can.  But, like Dave Lister’s famous sandwich, it all comes together to form a surprising success.

May Darek be with you, dear reader.