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August 18, 2010

iShot All Day Energy
POWER VIMTO.

Disclosure: the nice people at iShot sent me a few review samples of their new products. No money changed hands, and no consideration was asked for, offered or given in regard to anything regarding this review or the site – all content remains completely independent.
iShot

Doesn't come with an App Store. Does come with a great buzz.

I write this blog because I like doing it. Sure, there’s some advertising on the side, but I try to keep it as targeted (hence going through Google AdWords) and unintrusive as possible. So it makes me excessively happy when someone asks me to review their stuff, and even happier when they send me some of it to review without me having to actually get up and leave my chair. iShot, you have done well.

iShot have two products fresh to the market. The first one, which I’m dealing with here, is the more traditional caffeinated energy shot. The second is to be reviewed in a following post, but it’s basically the same thing with more ginseng and no caffeine.

So enough talk, let’s get down to it.

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SUDDENLY! CAFFEINE
Everything is trying to kill me.

A buddy of mine, the editor of a music magazine that shall remain nameless, gave me some of their surplus energy drink order.

The Harvest

Behold the harvest.

Incidentally, and on an unrelated note, if I were to purchase a music magazine with the latest news, gossip and interviews with the biggest and most up-and-coming bands, it would definitely be Rock Sound. Just sayin’.

PS: I AM GOING TO DIE.

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July 18, 2010

Quickie:
Emerge Energy Drink

Bought from the pound shop. Tastes like Windex. Weaker than Red Bull. Avoid.

That was nice and concise.

They put about as much effort into the drink itself as they did the design of the can itself.

They put about as much effort into the drink inside as they did the design of the can itself.

Weaker than Red Bull. Tastes like Windex. Why bother?

Weaker than Red Bull. Tastes like Windex. Why bother?
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July 2, 2010

Hitz Energy Shot
Our Strongest Shot Yet


'Mixed Fruit flavour' is always a cop-out for 'flavoured by whatever we had to hand'.

'Mixed Fruit flavour' is always a cop-out for 'flavoured by whatever we had to hand'.

The local pound shop. Home of mewling children running riot. Home of Chinese-made discount garden equipment that is almost certain to probably not be likely to break while you’re digging a hole, stabbing you right in your filthy imperialist balls with its glorious proletarian might. Home, too, of whatever the owner could get hold of in the way of energy drinks, because God knows the markup on those things is beyond belief.

So, today, we deal with the Hitz Energy Shot. I was going to review another of the same company’s product range that I picked up in the same pound shop, but the consequences of drinking it were so horribly hilarious that I just can’t find the words to describe it right now. The words ‘erect’, ‘fire’ and ‘nystagmus’ will be involved when I finally do get round to it.

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January 28, 2010

Red Bull Energy Shot

This is a guest review from Matt Carroll (aka Oholiab, Oholeibummed and OI, FUCKO). He is a shaven-headed misanthropist from the barren post-apocalyptic wastelands of Gloucestershire. He would eat you and your family without blinking.

Why would you drink an energy shot, really? They taste like ass, they’re goopy and they come with something of a promise to make you feel uncomfortable.

Never say we don’t research anything for you.  Here are the reasons:
  1. Neat little bottles – You know you want to put a whole load of them on like, a bullet belt. No? Well I do, so get bent.
  2. It is cold outside – You don’t want your hands to get cold carrying a refrigerated can that will take time to drink, as you have to wear fingerless gloves in these winter months so you can still use your capacitive touchscreen devices. You young’uns and your newfangled technology.
  3. You are actually too goddamn lazy to drink a full can of Red Bull.
So taking these reasons into account (all of which are precisely why I picked it up – I can feel you judging me, and I care not), I would say that the Red Bull shot not only gives you wings, but nuclear-powered robot ULTRA LEGS. It’s better, in fact, than the Relentless shot. Which is just as well as it costs more.
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November 13, 2009

Lucozade! Alert! Plus!

Lucozade Alert Plus

I can see the naming meeting now. 'MORE WORDS. MORE TWITCHY LINES. MORE ACTION, DAMN YOUR EYES.'

It seems that the energy shot market is booming.  Something that was fairly unknown in this country just a few months ago has blossomed into something you see in cardboard display boxes in dodgy newsagents nationwide.  Naturally, this is music to my ears, and when my flatmate found the latest in an established brand producing an energy shot he brought one home for me to shove down me and process for Science.

You can tell that this comes from an established brand simply by looking at the label design.  Namely, it doesn’t look like it contains excess coolant from a Chinese sprocket factory – some actual effort and money has gone into its design.  The name, however, is nothing less than hilarious.  I get that they wanted to put across that drinking it would result in waking up, but seriously – ‘Alert Plus’?  They might as well have called it ‘Rocket Nitro Supermax 5000′.

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November 11, 2009

Mephedrone

Beautiful snowflakes. Snowflakes that will have you humping the wall for HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS.

Beautiful snowflakes. Snowflakes that will have you humping the wall for HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS.

MarshallStaxx here with my inaugural post for Don’t Sleep, Dave! in which I shall fearlessly explore some of the ‘heavier’ legal stimulants out there.

My first encounter with Mephedrone was when a friend stumbled in one evening, wasted, and exclaimed “We’ve been snorting plant-food all night, and it’s awesome!”. Naturally, my first reaction was to think “You retarded junkie, you’ll stick anything up your hooter for a high”, laugh in derision and head off to bed, half expecting to find him in the morning slumped lifeless over the coffee table with blood trickling from his ruptured nostrils and begonias sprouting from his ears, like some nightmare OD genesplice of Sid Vicious and Alan Titchmarsh.

He didn’t die. Turns out he had a pretty amazing time. According to him it was just like MDMA, but with no hangover. My interest was piqued. Read the rest of this entry »

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October 19, 2009

Jolt Chewing Gum

Jolt Gum: Minty Arse Flavour with FREE neon mange.

Jolt Gum: Minty-Arse Flavour with FREE neon mange.

So, Jolt chewing gum, eh? It’s the sort of thing you see in a shop – not many of them, mind – and think, “ooh, that looks like a terrible idea that I’m totally on board with. I bet it will send me a bit mental and taste like arse.”

It’s nice to be right every now and again. Jolt chewing gum comes in two different flavours: Minty-Arse Flavour and Slightly Different Minty-Arse Flavour. It’s not wholly disgusting; you can see where they were going, but you’ll certainly have your suspicions that the arse-flavoured bit is due to the massive concentration of caffeine involved.

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More Fresh Meat

Rejected by Crimewatch.

Rejected by Crimewatch. Well known to methadone clinics.

Matt Carroll has joined us to provide a yet higher density of caffeinated delight.  He hails from Cheltenham, where his hobbies include shouting at lampposts, eating kebabs and drawing Spider Jerusalem glasses on his face with highlighter pens.

He owns a crossbow and his girlfriend will still not let him use it for pest control purposes.

Despite what the picture shows, he is not in fact twelve years old.

He’s our kind of guy.

5 comments

October 2, 2009

Hot Lava Java

Coffee strength is generally rated 1-5. The packaging rates this, Spinal Tap style, a 6. They are not lying.

Coffee strength is generally rated 1-5. The packaging rates this, Spinal Tap style, at 6. They are not lying.

I’ve been feeling thoroughly shitty today after coming down with some bug or another, and after having slept pretty much all day (and feeling a bit better) I decided to have a wander to the shops to pick up some pasta and sauce for dinner.

While I was at the ever-exclusive Holloway Road Morrisons, I noticed this monolith of hypertension hiding in the coffee aisle.  They seem quite convinced of its effects, and it would be remiss of me not to take them up on their challenge.

Well, it’s definitely a bitter blend.  After brewing in the cafetiere for five minutes (the espresso machine confuses and infuriates us) and shovelling an entire small country’s worth of sugar in, I proceeded to do the only rational thing and necked a large mug of it.

OH GOD NOT ENOUGH SUGAR

OH GOD NOT ENOUGH SUGAR

You will observe, to the left, my face.

Seriously, if the spoon isn’t standing up in a mug of this, well, caffeine soup, then you need to stick more sugar in.

After getting over the sheer world-ending bitterness, I sat back and waited for the inevitable caffeine-based punch in the face.  And in this, it did not disappoint.  As is normal for coffee, it’s quite a slow buildup, but in this case the buildup just doesn’t seem to stop.  It’s a miracle that I can type, really.  On the upside, I feel a lot better.

So, to sum up, what we have here is both a cure for manflu and a great big arrhythmia party, to which your heart is the guest of honour.

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