Don't Sleep, Dave!

January 28, 2010

Red Bull Energy Shot

This is a guest review from Matt Carroll (aka Oholiab, Oholeibummed and OI, FUCKO). He is a shaven-headed misanthropist from the barren post-apocalyptic wastelands of Gloucestershire. He would eat you and your family without blinking.

Why would you drink an energy shot, really? They taste like ass, they’re goopy and they come with something of a promise to make you feel uncomfortable.

Never say we don’t research anything for you. Here are the reasons:

Neat little bottles – You know you want to put a whole load of them on like, a bullet belt. No? Well I do, so get bent.
It is cold outside – You don’t want your hands to get cold carrying a refrigerated can that will take time to drink, as you have to wear fingerless gloves in these winter months so you can still use your capacitive touchscreen devices. You young’uns and your newfangled technology.
You are actually too goddamn lazy to drink a full can of Red Bull.

So taking these reasons into account (all of which are precisely why I picked it up – I can feel you judging me, and I care not), I would say that the Red Bull shot not only gives you wings, but nuclear-powered robot ULTRA LEGS. It’s better, in fact, than the Relentless shot. Which is just as well as it costs more.

It’s fairly obvious that Red Bull feels (as far as a carbonated drink CAN feel) threatened by Relentless. Relentless made big cans, Red Bull made big cans. Relentless made shots, now Red Bull have made one. And, unlike the Relentless shot, it doesn’t taste *entirely* like the end of your digestive tract; it just tastes like a can of the regular stuff has been left out overnight to go flat and has gone a little bit “I am a tramp and I go around drinking the remaining swill of other people’s drinks at seedy bars”. You can neck it with no particular aftertaste and just get on with things. The worst part of the experience is probably looking down into the clear-bottomed bottle and willing yourself to pour the suspiciously coloured liquid down your gullet whilst thinking “urine sample, urine sample, urine sample.” Unless you like that kind of thing.

Stop looking at me like that.

Anyway, this is the better out of the two (and only two) that I’ve tried, simply because it doesn’t taste like it costs less than Best In “Stimulation Drink”, which I’m not going to review other than to say “Only if you are poor, a student, self loathing, or otherwise REALLY desperate”. (Pansy. I will, it’s not that bad as long as you pretend that the alternative is scabies or bubonic plague or something — Dave)

I think though that winning in the energy shot stakes is a bit like winning an argument on the internet. If you really need caffeine that quickly, there are better ways of doing it (see Jolt Gum) as it really didn’t hit me that hard, and it could have been a LOT cheaper.

I didn’t die on the way to work though. I never cease to count my blessings.

1 comments

November 13, 2009

Lucozade! Alert! Plus!

I can see the naming meeting now. 'MORE WORDS. MORE TWITCHY LINES. MORE ACTION, DAMN YOUR EYES.'

It seems that the energy shot market is booming. Something that was fairly unknown in this country just a few months ago has blossomed into something you see in cardboard display boxes in dodgy newsagents nationwide. Naturally, this is music to my ears, and when my flatmate found the latest in an established brand producing an energy shot he brought one home for me to shove down me and process for Science.

You can tell that this comes from an established brand simply by looking at the label design. Namely, it doesn’t look like it contains excess coolant from a Chinese sprocket factory – some actual effort and money has gone into its design. The name, however, is nothing less than hilarious. I get that they wanted to put across that drinking it would result in waking up, but seriously – ‘Alert Plus’? They might as well have called it ‘Rocket Nitro Supermax 5000′.

There’s 120mg of caffeine in this (equivalent to two large cups of coffee), and as such it’s slightly bigger than your usual energy shot, so it’s harder to just pour down your throat bypassing your tongue. This would be a very bad thing if it tasted horrendous – and, of course, it does. Seriously, I do not get why no effort has gone into making these things not taste like you’re gulping down homebrewed teabag wine mixed with methylated spirit. But as Chopper says, “harden the fuck up, Dave”.

Does it work? Yes, it does, very well – but with caveats. About half an hour after drinking it, I was hit by a massive (but brief) bout of nausea. I put this down to this having more caffeine than a usual shot, and as such a higher chance of irritating my stomach. In any case, it didn’t last very long, and then we were away.

Stimulation-wise, it does what it says on the tin – and quite well. A medium to rough come-up, with a plateau higher than normal (which is to be expected – as I’ve said, more caffeine than other shots). I was very slightly twitchy at the plateau, but otherwise just pleasantly energetic. I didn’t notice the comedown at all (or it’s lasting a lot longer than expected) which was another pleasant discovery.

So, yeah. This is my new favourite – it tastes slightly better than the Quick Energy Shot, lasts longer and is smoother. The nausea was a little odd, and when I have another one in the future I’ll update this post as to whether it was a one-off.

6 comments

November 11, 2009

Mephedrone

MarshallStaxx here with my inaugural post for Don’t Sleep, Dave! in which I shall fearlessly explore some of the ‘heavier’ legal stimulants out there.

My first encounter with Mephedrone was when a friend stumbled in one evening, wasted, and exclaimed “We’ve been snorting plant-food all night, and it’s awesome!”. Naturally, my first reaction was to think “You retarded junkie, you’ll stick anything up your hooter for a high”, laugh in derision and head off to bed, half expecting to find him in the morning slumped lifeless over the coffee table with blood trickling from his ruptured nostrils and begonias sprouting from his ears, like some nightmare OD genesplice of Sid Vicious and Alan Titchmarsh.

He didn’t die. Turns out he had a pretty amazing time. According to him it was just like MDMA, but with no hangover. My interest was piqued. Read the rest of this entry »

2 comments

October 19, 2009

Jolt Chewing Gum

Jolt Gum: Minty-Arse Flavour with FREE neon mange.

So, Jolt chewing gum, eh? It’s the sort of thing you see in a shop – not many of them, mind – and think, “ooh, that looks like a terrible idea that I’m totally on board with. I bet it will send me a bit mental and taste like arse.”

It’s nice to be right every now and again. Jolt chewing gum comes in two different flavours: Minty-Arse Flavour and Slightly Different Minty-Arse Flavour. It’s not wholly disgusting; you can see where they were going, but you’ll certainly have your suspicions that the arse-flavoured bit is due to the massive concentration of caffeine involved.

That’s right, folks. Every two pieces of Jolt chewing gum has the same amount of caffeine as one energy drink. So, for the love of Jeebus, don’t eat more than two at a time. Being a total pussy and having one at a time is entirely acceptable, because you can see just how immediately it hits you and whether you need more. You don’t. Not for at least another half hour.

On the consumption of a ‘portion’ (that is, two pieces), after a few seconds of laboured chewing and contemplation of its toothpaste-come-rectum bouquet, you will be hit with a punch of caffeination that promises either heart palpitations or blindness.

Fortunately, the quick uptake comes with a fairly rapid release from the expectation of stimulant-related death, and you’ll have made the transition from trying to lock your front door with your eyes still stuck together to reading Dostoyevsky on the bus to work (hell, The Plebs™ don’t know you’ve been trying to get through it for about six months already) with minimal falling asleep and/or getting run over on the way.

I love the stuff. That said, I’m avoiding it at the moment because I’m starting to suspect that it may have taken my sleep patterns and done wholly inappropriate things to them involving medical implements and poultry.

0 comments

More Fresh Meat

Rejected by Crimewatch. Well known to methadone clinics.

Matt Carroll has joined us to provide a yet higher density of caffeinated delight. He hails from Cheltenham, where his hobbies include shouting at lampposts, eating kebabs and drawing Spider Jerusalem glasses on his face with highlighter pens.

He owns a crossbow and his girlfriend will still not let him use it for pest control purposes.

Despite what the picture shows, he is not in fact twelve years old.

He’s our kind of guy.

5 comments

October 2, 2009

Hot Lava Java

Coffee strength is generally rated 1-5. The packaging rates this, Spinal Tap style, a 6. They are not lying.

Coffee strength is generally rated 1-5. The packaging rates this, Spinal Tap style, at 6. They are not lying.

I’ve been feeling thoroughly shitty today after coming down with some bug or another, and after having slept pretty much all day (and feeling a bit better) I decided to have a wander to the shops to pick up some pasta and sauce for dinner.

While I was at the ever-exclusive Holloway Road Morrisons, I noticed this monolith of hypertension hiding in the coffee aisle. They seem quite convinced of its effects, and it would be remiss of me not to take them up on their challenge.

Well, it’s definitely a bitter blend. After brewing in the cafetiere for five minutes (the espresso machine confuses and infuriates us) and shovelling an entire small country’s worth of sugar in, I proceeded to do the only rational thing and necked a large mug of it.

OH GOD NOT ENOUGH SUGAR

You will observe, to the left, my face.

Seriously, if the spoon isn’t standing up in a mug of this, well, caffeine soup, then you need to stick more sugar in.

After getting over the sheer world-ending bitterness, I sat back and waited for the inevitable caffeine-based punch in the face. And in this, it did not disappoint. As is normal for coffee, it’s quite a slow buildup, but in this case the buildup just doesn’t seem to stop. It’s a miracle that I can type, really. On the upside, I feel a lot better.

So, to sum up, what we have here is both a cure for manflu and a great big arrhythmia party, to which your heart is the guest of honour.

0 comments

September 30, 2009

Fresh Meat

This photograph has not been modified in any way.

We have a new contributing author!

Marshall Staxx (if that is his REAL name) is a slightly manic, UFC-watching bum of the finest kind, and will be publishing reviews of his own from this week onward.

He is completely lacking in self-preservation instinct generous enough to have offered to review the stronger stimulants out there. The kind that are legal, but only because THE MAN hasn’t got round to banning them yet.

Watch this space!

8 comments

September 28, 2009

Rockstar Juiced

'Subtle' doesn't even begin to describe the packaging. 'Eyeball-rupturingly garish', however, is right on the money.

A while ago, while working for my previous employer, a man called Alex tried to persuade me not to buy a can of Rockstar and warned me that it tasted deeply vile. Naturally, this very act caused me to hand over my money and promptly pour the entire can down my throat, resulting in my making a face the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the last time Sid James got his rocks off and then vowing never to drink it ever again.

So today, while wandering around Tesco, I noticed that the makers of Rockstar have realised that their product tastes rather similar to carbonated tramp piss – and, to try to mitigate this minor issue, they’ve stuck a bunch of orange juice in there to mask the horror.

Well, the good news is that it works. Rockstar Juiced is probably one of the best-tasting canned energy drinks that I’ve ever had – it’s pretty much exactly the same as drinking half a litre of Fanta with light tropical overtones – apple, mango and passion fruit, to be specific. They’re natural flavours, too, which is helpful.

There’s no disappointment to the caffeine content, either, with the same concentration as Red Bull but in a larger volume can.

Same caffeine content as Red Bull, but twice the volume of a normal-sized Red Bull can.

Ginseng is a good addition – it’s a stimulant on its own, but its activity when combined with caffeine tends to be greater than the sum of its parts. And it’s also nice to see that we have an energy drink which actually contains the energy (in sugar form) that the caffeine/ginseng/taurine will aid in releasing.

It’s doing quite well, up to now. Ingredients are good, taste is good, and the can design means that it essentially doubles as a traffic cone.

It’s a shame, then, that it’s crap.

The first thing that this stuff did was mess my stomach up. Half an hour after drinking this, my body decided that my insides were getting a bit restless and fancied an outing on the porcelain flumes instead.

And as for alertness, a complete lack of it. I’m now an hour down the line and nothing’s happened whatsoever. Which is bizarre, considering the amount of caffeine in this thing, but I’m calling it how I see it, and how I see it is mildly drowsily.

Which is a shame, because it tastes really good.

1 comments

September 20, 2009

Tiger Energy Drink

GUYS GUYS GUESS WHAT WHEN YOU PRESS THIS BUTTON IT MAKES A DROP SHADOW

So this afternoon, I went to Tesco to grab some lunch (I may work in Shoreditch, but I’m damned if I’ve gone searching for actual interesting places to eat there yet). Next to the Kx (rebranded from Kick) own-brand drink was this wonderful, questionably branded energy drink. Its ingredients, in English and Polish, set with glorious blocky Verdana, drew me in. And just to make sure that I was convinced, it was endorsed by a man called Darek “Tiger” Michalczewski who appeared to be wearing a white shirt, jacket and pointing his finger in a threatening manner. This, surely, was a promise of preposterous amounts of testostorone.

Preposterone.

What I discovered upon opening this aluminium prison of pure, liquid manliness, was a pale yellow fluid that I presume is the tears of Darek’s enemies with a little vanilla added to taste. Which is quite strong, actually, to the degree that with every sip you start to realise that with any other energy drink, a taste this strong would mean the impending arrival of a world-shattering aftertaste.

However, Darek appears to have used his powers for good in this case. Just as you think the wave of horror is about to break, it…goes away. A slight sweet taste remains, but that’s about it. It’s actually quite pleasant.

Darek'll fix it for you.

As for energy, this is definitely hitting me harder than Red Bull does. A cheekily fast uplift, followed by a fairly extended plateau. There a little twitchiness here, but nothing unmanageable.

Nothing about this drink is right. The branding, the packaging, Darek’s sternly masculine form, the colour of the liquid that you’re putting in you or the smell of it when you pop the can. But, like Dave Lister’s famous sandwich, it all comes together to form a surprising success.

May Darek be with you, dear reader.

4 comments

Relentless Energy Shot

This will rape your mother, kill your father and then eat you.

The Relentless Energy Shot. In its surprisingly utilitarian ‘cheap plastic bottle with a label glued on’ packaging, you could be forgiven for thinking that the purchase of one of these things might be an ego-boosting stroke of forward planning. “Aha!”, you think to yourself, as I did. “I’ll buy a few of these, carry them around in my bag and when I’m knackered I’ll knock one back, wake up a bit and everything will be fine.”

Well, you’re half right. Two things went through my mind when I opened this bottle and poured it into my mouth. The first was, “Sod the Quick Energy Shot, this is what pure industrialism would taste like”, and the second was “OH GOD I CAN STILL TASTE IT SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME OH GOD.”

Yes, I’m afraid so. It tastes horrendous. Fortunately, we’re only talking about – in the marketing blurb’s own words – a ’shot’. 50ml, to be precise. And I’ll give it its dues, after you’ve swallowed it down, wondered how something can taste this metallic and artificial and still not be corrosive, and rinsed out your mouth with something, anything that tastes less disgusting, you will experience what I can only describe as an ethereal roundhouse kick delivered right to the very centre of your consciousness. There’s only 80mg of caffeine in this, as well as the obligatory taurine, inositol and gluconurolactone, but for some reason it hits you a lot harder than a can of your favourite Red Bull-alike.

I spent the first ten minutes wondering if I was vibrating fast enough to walk through walls. This is a brutal, brutal energy drink, and it is going to give you the shakes. I drink a fairly reasonable amount of coffee / Red Bull / ’stuff what makes you go’, and the buzz that I got from this was quietly peeking over the wall on the uncomfortable side of things. Then again, I did have it in the office, and I get the feeling that if you were expending plenty of energy then it might be quite a pleasant experience.